The Four Standard American Approaches to Foreign Policy
by Mr. Bell Jar:
Hamiltonian: Foreigners exist to buy our stuff and sell us theirs.
Jeffersonian: We mustn’t let filthy foreigners touch our beautiful America!
Jacksonian: If any foreigners even look as us funny, we’re going over there.
Wilsonian: Foreigners just need to be loved and patted and touched until they become Americans.